"The More You Restrict, The More They Will Rebel"

Yesterday and the day before I stayed at my aunt's house. She also lives in Eindhoven. She has one daughter who is 18 years old. ABG. =) My aunt is very different from my Mom. She is quite conservative and strict, while my Mom is a cool mom. =) For example, she won't give a permit for her daughter to go clubbing with her friends, while my Mom feels fine with that. So, when I was still in the high school, I could go clubbing til late in the weekend and she never got angry, as long as she knew that I study during the weekday. She trusted me. She knew that her daughter needed to have fun in her adolescent age. =D How did I gain her trust? It was easy. As long as my grades were good and I was still at least at the top 5 in the class, she would be OKAY. She knew that I was always serious in what I did and thus she wasn't worried at all to let me go clubbing or hang out with friends.

She also trusted me to study in Bandung and knew that her one and only daughter could "take care" of herself. =) When I was in Bandung, sometimes I was shocked to see my friends that used to be "good girls and never went out at night" became so wild. Some of them even had a "drug addiction" problem after a while. I still remember one of my high school friends whom I met in one club in Bandung told me that she couldn't go out at night and couldn't go clubbing because her parents wouldn't let her. "So.. I really enjoy my time here and I go clubbing as much as I can", she said with a very happy expression on her face and a cigarette on her lips. As far as I knew, she didn't smoke before...

That night I was thinking of how dangerous it is to restrict your children in an extreme way, because once you're not there, they would do things that you forbid. Suddenly I felt so lucky to have such a cool Mom. I could go anywhere I want and told her about how fun the night was. =)

Last night, that kind of feeling suddenly appeared again. My cousin was planning to go to "I Love Indo" party with her friends in Tilburg, about half hour from Eindhoven. Normally, her Mom would give a permit if she went clubbing with ME. Unfortunately, I couldn't go with her. So, she had to lie to her Mom. She said that she would sleep at her bestfriend's house together with 2 other girls. When she said that, I was silent. I felt bad because actually I knew the truth. However, I said nothing. I felt so uncomfortable to see how my cousin lied to her Mom just for a simple thing. I didn't know why but I felt sorry for my aunt... on the other hand, I also felt sorry for my cousin because it seems that her life is so restricted so that she has to lie for the sake of having fun.

Again I realized how lucky I am. My Mom trusts me until now. These kinds of things have made me to think and decide that once I got married and have kids, I would act like my Mom. I don't want to be someone who acts more like a "police cop" than like a mother. I would give trust to my children as long as they could show their responsibility, as I don't want my children lie to me and do something bad behind my back. I think, if I act like a "police cop" and always say, "Don't do this, don't do that", then... at the end, I will not know my children's personality and behavior in the 'real life', outside the house.

I think, if we show trust to our children, it will create a sense of responsibility. This will avoid them to do "naughty" stuffs just for the sake of curiosity or just to "follow the trend" (an obvious example is drugs) and they will also respect you more than anyone else. They will trust you and will share their feelings and experiences with you... isn't it beautiful?

THE MOST ANNOYING QUESTION

This afternoon I called one of my bestfriends in Jakarta. Me and her have similar point of view about life, relationships and career. Thus, we always feel free to discuss about anything and to "speak up" our mind that, perhaps, other girls could hardly understand. =) Today, we talked about marriage. Hmm... both of us are kinda have a "marriage phobia", if I may say. =) It's true. While almost most of our bestfriends were already got married, both of us still... doesn't feel the urgency to get married so soon, although we both know that we're not that young anymore. But... who cares? hahahaha... =D (my motto is.. as long as I feel happy being single, nobody can complain !) ;)

She told me today that now her parents and relatives are pushing her with the "most annoying question" in the world, "When are you getting married, dear?" Although they ask her in a nice and polite way, still it doesn't sound nice in her ears (maybe you guys know how it feels...). I had the same problem, too, back in those days, before I went to Amsterdam. My mom, aunts, and even neighbours asked me that question ! I could only reply with smile =) and to one of my neighbours who has daughter, I replied,"Don't worry about me, I'll take my time. What about your daughter? I think yours should go first as she already has quite serious and very long relationship with her boyfriend, doesn't she?" Hearing me saying that, she said nothing more. Gotcha.

On the phone today, me and my bestfriend questioned : "Why do we have to get married?" Yeah, WHY? We burst to laugh when both of us thought that "It is okay not to get married". We agreed that if we talked about this to other friends, they might think that we're crazy. =P But seriously, do we have to get married? Why? Is it all about culture and religion? ...

What I don't like from Indonesian "culture" is that when you are in a certain age (let's say above 27), your big family will start to annoy you with the same question again and again and again... they will make us feel annoyed and push us to give the answer, if could, with the exact date perhaps. =P Then they will stop asking.

I'm just concerned that there is a possibility for people to pick someone to marry without thinking twice because of this annoying question and uncomfortable circumstances. As far as I know, it does happen in real life. Really.

Why can't people just be relax and stop bothering other people's life? We don't die if we don't marry someone, right? If we're single, doesn't mean that we're unhappy, right? Of course parents and the whole big family want the best for us, but... we are the one who knows what's the best for ourselves. As I told my younger brother, "No one can force you to get married if you don't want to". Yes, sometimes we listen too much to other people and ignoring our heart.

It is okay to get married if you're "ready". If you're not ready and still have some doubts, please... don't do that, otherwise you will regret. Remember, there are lots of divorced couples out there. This fact also reminds me to think twice and sometimes scares me when I hear the word "marriage". As Jovie, another friend of mine, said, "Why does it seem so easy for those people to say 'ok.. let's divorce!'?" Perhaps it was also that easy when they said, "Yes, I do". ;)

Anyway, I'm just concerned that how sick our environment is when it comes to the word "marriage". I think, the social and cultural background in the society plays important roles in building the insecurity feelings of being single when we are above certain age. Then, because of one doesn't want to be seen as "going out of track", one has to follow and take "the normal route", although he/she doesn't sure where to go or whether the route is right for him/her or not. What a shame.

I don't know how to change this and perhaps it's a bit impossible to change as it is part of our so called "culture". However, one thing that I know for sure : "I decide my own happiness... not my parents, relatives or friends. I will do whatever I want.. as this is my life". Perhaps it sounds a bit arrogant, but that's how I believe so far.

So, if I may suggest, "Don't feel obliged to do something if you don't feel like doing it. It's your own life. You rule, not them!"

"Enjoy your single life... " ;)
luv,
*NiLa*

I got a news from Mom that Vivi, my sister in law, didn't have to give birth today. Vivi and Mas Hoho, my older brother, went to the doctor and the doctor said that they already got the tool from Singapore that might be useful for the baby. However, they still have to go to the hospital next Thursday to discuss about everything. We all hope that there will be a miracle...

...LOVE YOUR ENEMY...

2 days after my birthday, I was sitting on the balcony of my friend's house in Amsterdam and thinking about Jesus' statement: "Love your enemy like you love yourself". Why did these words suddenly appear in my head?

On that day, I planned to go back to Eindhoven, where I live now. Unfortunately, there was an old woman that I really really dislike staying in the house for couple of days. I didn't know that she would be there until Sunday. Thought she already went back to Den Haag. :( Hmm... I was struggling with myself, should I go home or not? I didn't want to meet her and saw her on my party nor in the house! I didn't want to see her face as for me, she's like a witch. An evil that trapped in a human body. =P She has all the evil characters that a human being can hold. Seriously. I'm not joking. She also did her evil things to me. Gosh, you won't believe what she has done to me and my family. If I tell you everything, I'm sure you'll be shocked! :/

So, that's why, I was thinking about these words "Love your enemy like you love yourself". I was silent for couple of minutes. It's very hard to do it, isn't it? How could I love someone that has been treating me very very badly? In this case, this old woman. How could I love her after what she has done to me and my family? How could I love someone that I really2x dislike.. or hate, even? Before, I had almost forgive her for what she has done to me as I thought she was just an old woman, I should feel sorry for her and tried to understand why she's doing it. However, after the last incident, I have decided not to have any sympathy feeling towards her again. The conclusion is.. she's an evil. Full stop.

Again... there was another words whispering, "You should forgive 77x7". Oh my goodness... these words made me speechless. I'm sorry but I couldn't forgive her now... perhaps later... as time goes by..

After sometime, I found the answer. You know what? I think it is possible to love your enemy. Although it's difficult, still.. you can try. If you hate someone because she/he does something bad to you, you can try to think why she/he is doing it. Perhaps the person has a good reason to do it (hmm.. although sometimes it's difficult to justify a "good reason" behind a very bad action). You can also try to analyse why the person has some "evil" behaviors or characters. Perhaps it is because of the family background. Perhaps the person feels lonely or lack of love. Perhaps her/his life is miserable...
For example, why someone is greedy about money? Perhaps his or her parents were so poor, thus he/she had a hard life when he/she was a child. That's why the person obsesses about money and might do corruption (it's possible, huh?!) Yes, because of the background, the person has a kind of traumatic feeling, feels insecure, and has a strong picture in mind of being poor and living without money. To compensate that, she/he has an obsession and will do anything to get as much money as she/he can.

It works like that. Every single thing happens for a reason. That's why, if I think deep why this old woman always does something bad to other people, perhaps because of her life experiences. If I think that way, then I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry because she always has troubles with other people. Her life isn't peaceful. However, she creates it like that. I think, she finds it hard to love other people as she always gives hard time to others. Hmmm.. perhaps, she also hates herself? Could be! Poor her. Can you imagine how difficult it is to live in a world where there are so many people hate you because of your own actions? It must be hard, huh?

This thought finally created a symphathy feeling towards her. However, another thing crossed my mind. In life, people have choices to do good things and bad things. Also this old woman. She has choices whether to do good things, be nice to other people or try to mess with others and act like a bitch (sorry...). She has all the choices, however she chooses the latter option. Why??? Why does she follow the evil's voices, not the angel's? Angel always whispers to do good things... why doesn't she listen to the angel? I'm sure before she does something bad, she hears the evil and angel are fighting against each other, try to convince her in the middle of the decision making process. Like Snowy in Tintin comic. =D

Again, if we want to forgive someone, we should try to understand why that person follows the evil's voices not the angel's. If we know the person quite well, perhaps we would get the answer of their "evil" behaviors. Family background, lack of love, loneliness, etc.. you name it, there are so many reasons that can make people act so bad and above human standards. If you could understand this, then you would feel sorry towards that person. You would have a symphathy,... then it is possible that you would forgive them for what they have done. As a result, you will love the person. =) Of course this process takes time and deep thinking. No to mention that it is important to release the hate and anger feelings first, then try to position yourself in her/his place.

So, after these thoughts, I decided to go back to Eindhoven. I would go home, prepare everything for the party, and of course I would see her in the house. I would try to be nice to her and gave my sweetest smile as she's just an old lonely lady with lack of love and unclear understanding of how to love other people... =)

On that day, I got a lesson : "It is possible to love your enemy, if u try to.." Also perhaps it is possible to forgive 77x7 ;)

peace,
*NiLa*

MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

On the sun and shiny Sunday (May 2nd, 2004), I had a birthday and also graduation day celebration. =) Actually my birthday was on April 29th, 2004... however, it was easier to do it on Sunday. =)
Thanks to both of my aunts. They cooked and prepared EVERYTHING... on the other hand, I did NOTHING ! Hahahhaa... =D They made delicious Indonesian dishes, such as: ketupat, opor tahu & telor, tumis buncis, ayam kecap, tumis jamur pedes, bakmi goreng, perkedel jagung, perkedel kentang, and acar ! Hmmm.. yummy !!! Not to mention the snacks: lapis legit, ketan, pudding and kue mangkok! Woohooo... lekker !!! Bulek Ninik (my mom's sister) also brought an apple tart and also strawberry tart for me. I was so happy... even my friends were so happy just to see the food ! hahahahhahaa... so funny !

For this party I didn't invite so many friends. As a matter of fact, most of my friends has already left The Netherlands. Yes, so sad, indeed. :(I only invited the ones that I'm really close with... because the first idea of the party was to create a warm vibe in the party. I would be stressed if they were lots of people as I normally have the feeling to "take care" of everyone's mood, which is quite impossible to do, aight? ;)
Therefore, I only invited Martijn, Bram, Piet, Anna, Ires, Renaldi, Susi, Cecil and Vica. Too bad that Cecil and Vica couldn't come as the latter is going to have a wedding in the morning !

Bulek Ninik, Om Jan, Hanny, SyQ, Tante Sam, Om Cal, Afra, Tante Stan, Opa Rud, Hilda and her husband, Okki and his wife, Tante Syanne, Lia and of course Kakak Kilynn were there. The happy family gathered all together ! =) It was nice. The weather was nice, too so we could sit on the terrace, chatted while Bram, Martijn and Piet played guitar and sometimes they even sang together. Perfect. =) They were sooo good. I would love to record them. Hahaha.. seriously!

So, all day we were eating, chatting, laughing, singing a bit and playing guitar (the boy band gang). Everybody said that they had a good time and it was a very nice party. Yes, I also had a good time and it was a very enjoyable party indeed. =) However, the conversation with Piet today reminded me that I will leave the country in about one month from now ! Huhuhu... so sad.. :( but on the other hand, I also wanted to go back to Indonesia, meet my family, friends and start working ! What a confusing feeling. =P