This post is dedicated to a dear friend of mine…

Which one is more miserable: being with someone that you don’t love or being with no one?

My answer is: being with no one.

I’d rather being single than being with someone that I’m not fully in love with. I can imagine that it will be such a torture every time I have to see the person or spend the time together, yet on the other hand my heart isn’t fully there…

Therefore, I feel sorry for you, my dear friend…

You said it yourself that you’re not in love with your partner. You’re not even sure whether you want to spend the rest of your life with the person. I can understand that you don’t want to hurt the person, but… since I’m your best friend, I’d love to remind you… please don’t hurt yourself… don’t force to love your partner if you can’t.

Stay true to yourself.
I’m sure that you actually know the answer of all these puzzles.
You’re just afraid to admit it.
You’re just afraid to say NO to someone who is so fragile
You’re afraid because your partner has become so dependent on you
In which, you told me, it’s quite troublesome in the end

Since you often asked me: “What should I do?”
As your best friend, I would say: just be honest. If you feel the “relationship” isn’t right for you, just cut it off. Before you’re carried away and put yourself in a deeper hole, in which it’ll be difficult to escape…

Some people feel uncomfortable to be single
Some people try to feel secured by having a girlfriend/boyfriend
But… why do we have to feel unsecured of being alone?
Why do we need other person to feel complete and content?
Does it mean that we’re not even close to ourselves?
Does it mean that we’re not even feel comfortable to spend the time only with ourselves?

I was afraid to be alone once
But years ago, a conversation with a good friend of mine made me realized that I don’t need to be afraid of that (thanks to Nugi! ☺)
As long as I stay close to myself, I can enjoy any situation, with or without a partner by my side ☺

My dear friend,
Probably you’re afraid of being “alone”
I know it’s uneasy and that’s normal
One time, you told me that people needed to express their passions
Which is true
But, don’t you think it’s better to save your passions and express it to someone who you’re fully attracted and in love with?

Can’t you think that pretending to love someone is worse than telling the truth?

I hope you find a clarity, dear
And have the guts to fight for your own feelings
Sacrifice isn’t always a good thing
You call it a compromise, but you know it by heart that it’s a sacrifice
Can you stand to sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life?
While for the past few months you’ve been already complaining about your current situation, all these dilemmas and confusions?

Please don’t hurt yourself
I know it takes time to collect all the small pieces of courage together,
that are now still scattered on each corner of your heart
But, when the time comes… be brave
As everyone has to fight for their own battle ;)
And I’ll be here for you
To cheer you up and witness your bravery
When you win the battle that has been disrupting your heart
All these months

Take care and be true to yourself, my dear friend
I'd love to see real happiness in your eyes...

MiRaCLeS

Do you believe in miracles?
I do.

I notice that some people don’t believe in miracles, but that’s ok. I will not try to persuade anyone to change his/her perception. It’s his/her call.

Why am I discussing about miracles now? I don’t know. I’m just sitting here @ my bedroom and thinking about how funny my life is. Hehehe.. and suddenly I remember that sometimes-weird things happened. Unexplainable ones…

There was a time when I was actively involved in two charity clubs. Ramadhan season was the busiest season for me, even though I’m not a Moslem. Every week at least there were two orphanages that we visited (one orphanage for each charity club). One time, we were planning to take numbers of orphans to break the fast at a fast food restaurant. Everything was settled: the venue, numbers of children, the meals, etc. Everything, except the transportation. We were preparing this from weeks ahead, but at that time we had difficulties in finding public transportation to rent. Every single day I received such hopeless reports from my colleagues.

Damn! What should we do? We already tried everything, but the result was zero. One day before the D-day, I was sitting alone in my office feeling hopeless. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know to whom I should ask for a favor anymore. Didn’t have any idea how would we solve this issue.

But, suddenly, my phone rang. A woman’s voice greeted me and said, “Hello, is this Nila? I heard that your charity club is having an event tomorrow. I’m just wondering whether I could contribute something”.

Then I said, “Oh yeah.. sure. Anything will do. But, honestly, we still don’t have any transportation to take the orphans to the venue and take them back to their orphanage…”

The woman on the other line said, “Ahh.. what a coincidence! I own a transportation company. I have some busses that you can use. How many busses do you need?”

I said, “One or two busses should be enough, depends on the seats. How much should we pay for one bus? And do you also provide a driver?”

She said, “Ohhh Nila.. don’t worry. I’ll give it for free. Just tell me how many busses do you need? I will also provide the drivers. You can use the busses as long as you want. The drivers will take those kids to the venue, wait there and then take them back to their place”.

…

Speechless. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.
She offered me everything for free. I didn’t even know her and I had no idea how she knew my mobile number. Perhaps she got my number from our website, but hey… what a coincidence that she called up just at the right time!

I was stunned. Still speechless after hang up the phone and felt so relieved at the same time. The phone call was the answer of my prayer. I thanked God for that… big time.

The next day, there were two busses parking in front of our meeting place, complete with the drivers, ready to serve us.

And I stood there. Amazed. Felt blessed and couldn’t stop thinking how lucky we were!
At that time, I realized that God would always help us, thus, we shouldn’t worry about anything.

This story also reminded me of a phrase, “Don’t be afraid of tomorrow. God is already there”.

I always remember this phrase whenever I feel worried, nervous, or afraid of something. It convinces me that everything is going to be just fine… ☺ Even in the most difficult situation, He would be there to help us.

Everything is possible. So, don’t lose faith. Miracles do exist, even in this insane world ☺. At least that’s what I think. The story above is only one simple true story that happened in my life. There are many more… and still more to come ☺

as time goes by
I never known why I'm here

just remembering when I slept with cold
without any expectation for gold

I just need a friend
who talk to me without bluff

honest
passion
cheerful and peace

friend
is more valuable than anything
including you are
my friend, my nice one

by Totot, an old friend of mine :)

ConveyinG The RighT SiGnaLs

This time I wanna share something about conveying the right signals to other people. Do you guys notice that sometimes we convey wrong signals to other people and at the end those people get totally wrong ideas on what we want or how we feel?

I do that sometimes as well. For example, I was bored as hell in the middle of a conversation with someone but I still put a smile on my face. I acted as if I was interested to what he said, in which wasn’t true. I wasn’t even listening! It’s called pseudo-listening. And it’s not a good thing because the other person will think that we understand the topic and interested in it. It will make him talk even more about the boring topic. Oh no!!! Of course it will be the last thing on earth that we wish for at that very moment, aight? :p

I still remember one day I had drinks with my new friend. It was 5.30pm and we had nice conversations until we were hungry and wanted to grab something to eat. Then we went to a nice restaurant and had dinner there. Again, we discussed about everything, from books to philosophical stuffs. Quite a serious conversation actually, but it was nice. When I looked at my watch, it was midnight already! Wow, time flies and I had an appointment with my friends to go clubbing. Hehehe.. He wanted to join us as he claimed that he also loved to party.

But then, you know what… it turned out to be a disaster, because even in the club, he was still insisting to discuss about books and those serious stuffs! Topics that I didn’t want to discuss in a CLUB! Can you imagine, at 3am in the morning he was still trying to impress me with his intelligence, while what I wanted to do at that time was dancing with my friends?? Especially when the DJ was playing my favorite tracks! Oh my goodness… it was terrible! And I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt him. So, I could only stand there, trying to listen to him and nodding once in a while, acting as if he was discussing something that could draw my interests.

Wrong decision!

I wouldn’t suggest you to do the same as it would only torture you. Well, sometimes I left him alone with my friend, while I went to see my other friends who were standing at the other side of the club. I did that couple of times, but he just couldn’t read between the lines. Yup. Sometimes people aren’t sensitive and cannot read between the lines. In that case, we should tell them bluntly on how we feel and don’t give wrong body language. Pseudo-listening isn’t recommended.

Last night my friend told me that he lost interest on his girlfriend. Yet, the funny thing is that his girlfriend had no idea whatsoever on what he felt. She was still feeling head over heals toward their relationship. *Some people just cannot read between the lines*
But, perhaps, could it also be because of he didn’t convey the right signal to his girlfriend? It’s possible.

He didn’t want to hurt her. That was the reason. That’s why he gave “wrong” signals to his girlfriend, acted as if he was still into her. No wonder his girlfriend got a totally wrong idea on how he felt toward her. Ooopsssieee..
Terrible. Indeed. I felt sorry for his girlfriend, and him.

So, I told him that he should be honest to his girlfriend. Of course it might hurt her, but it would happen eventually, sooner or later. The sooner the better. “And stop conveying the wrong signal to your girlfriend”, I said. Because it would hurt her even more when she found out that everything was fake.

From our conversation last night, I realized how important it is to deliver the right signal to other people. It’s better to say what we want and express what we think clearly. It’s ok to be straight-forward. As direct as as the Dutch. Hehehe.. I prefer that way. Especially knowing that some people just are not sensitive and have difficulties in reading between the lines.

We don’t want my friend’s experience happens in our life, do we? ;)

So, I try to keep this sentence in mind: “If I don’t convey the right signals, the right body language, the right message to other people, then I’ll be in trouble”. Ouch! Dangerous!

BaLi, LomBoK and GiLi TraWanGaN - SuMMer HoLiDaY 2006

Hey guys, I'd love to share some pictures of my summer holiday (yeah right, it's always summer here in Indonesia!) in Bali, Lombok and Gili Trawangan. I guess the pictures speak for themselves! ;)

If you haven't been to Lombok and Gili Trawangan island, you should try to visit these islands! Breathtaking views, untouched beauty... virgin beaches with white sands and mountains as the background of the whole picture... mmmmm.. imagine yourself being there! Definitely the perfect places to lay back and relax. Enjoy summer time, everyone... let's get some tanned! ;)


top: Dreamland, Bali


top: Senggigi Beach, Lombok




top: Mount Agung and the sunset view from Lombok


top: The boat that took me to Gili Trawangan from Lombok (it took 1.5 hours from the Senggigi Beach). So, this was the view when I just arrived in Gili Trawangan island. Beautiful. Definitely.


top: My favorite picture so far. Gili Trawangan.


top: Gili Trawangan's kids chilling out


top: The sunset and the rain next to it. Gili Trawangan. Amazing!


top: Gili Trawangan


top: It's me! hehehe.. *narcist* Last day in Gili Trawangan

with love,

"BEING 30"

Two weeks ago I became 30. For those who are above 30, you must laugh at my age and say, “Oohh.. you’re still a baby, don’t worry, dear.. 30s is wonderful”. But, for those who haven’t reached this age yet, you must be wondering how does it feel of being 30?

For a woman, being 30 is quite a big deal coz now we cannot say that we’re 20s anymore.
Some of my girl friends who are on the same age like me were worried by the fact that now we’re “that young” anymore. I guess, for me, it depends on how we see it and from whose perspectives. If you ask a girl in her 17, of course she will say, “Oh my God, you’re so old”. But if you ask a woman in her 40s, then she will say, “Darling, you’re at the best age of being a woman” ☺.

In my own dictionary of semiology, I see 30 as being more matured, sophisticated, more wise, still young.. .and also it reflects opportunities.
Matured because obviously I’m not a teenager anymore. Wise, because I’ve been through some precious experiences throughout my life. Young, because I think there are still lots of opportunities and lessons to be learned in life… and I feel young because I haven’t experienced them all..
I’ll take my time, as I will not pick fruit while it is still green…

I remember sitting in my bedroom before midnight on my birthday and thought about what have I done and happened in life. I felt blessed and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, since I was a kid (of course I couldn’t remember how did it feel like when I was a baby. I think my memory of my childhood started when I was 3 years old. Still remember my 3rd birthday party, when I had “bisul” on my forehead because I used to eat too much eggs :P). I felt grateful for having lovely parents and interesting brothers (I said interesting coz both of them have totally different personalities and sometimes I have to argue with them on certain things), for being able to go to school in Jakarta til high school, for the 4 years of student life in Bandung, for the 2 years living in Amsterdam surrounded by people from all over the world, for the wonderful friends with different characters everywhere, for the achievements, jobs and everything. Also for the problems and difficulties in life as they taught me on how to deal with obstacles and make me wiser (amen!).

Every single thing is meaningful. Even in times of difficulties, I see it as an opportunity to grow myself. Of course sometimes I make mistake and have to pay the price for it. And it ain't easy. Or sometimes, some of us feel that we’re wasting time for doing something only to end back where we started. For me, everything happens for a reason. There must be something that I have to learn behind everything. The key is not to allow myself to be discouraged.
Always takes everything as a challenge and opportunity to become a better person, a better human being in this planet. A better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better colleague, a better partner (once I have a bf.. hehe!), as I believe that each individual action affects everyone on the planet. And I am what I am now also because of them. Although of course I have some basic characters, they take part in in building my personalities and characters as well. So, I’m very grateful for that. Thankful for meeting and interacting with everyone whom I’ve met and taught me about the beauty of life.

So, being 30 is a good thing, as it will provide me with more opportunities and unexpected things that might come along the way, yet with more clarity. And I can’t wait to experience what’s more to come… also to see more pieces of God’s elements in every single person that I meet…

"Warrior Of The Light"

Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle
Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone
Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his
Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons
Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed that he was not a Warrior of the Light
Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties
Every Warrior of the Light has said "yes" when he wanted to say "no"
Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved

That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is...


*"Warrior of The Light: A Manual", by Paulo Coelho*