CynicaL ThouGhts AbOuT MeN

I realize that I’m having a difficulty in trusting men. Especially in the last couple of months. A lot of people said that all men are jerks. Before, I wouldn’t take this phrase seriously coz I believe that we shouldn’t make a generalization out of it. But these days, I started to believe that all men are jerks. Even though I wanted so hard to think the opposite.

A conversation with my kindergarten friend had shocked me a month ago. Apparently, many guys around us weren’t as innocence as we thought they were. Living in a big city with having a well-paid job is obviously has its own temptation. Yes. Temptation = Girls. What else?

I think, men just can’t resist the temptation of seeing nice, pretty, sexy girls around them, even though if they already have partners. They’re like animals. They just follow their instincts. Sex, is all they wanted.

What a shame. My friends’ and my own life experiences have taught me that it was difficult to find a loyal man. Someone that is loyal to his/her partner. Even a very nice guy that I’m least expected to be unfaithful is also doing the same thing. And they will do and try EVERYTHING to get you.

A conversation with Olivier through MSN, while I was packing my stuff on my last night in Singapore, provided me with a strong confirmation that all the guys want in this world is freedom. They will run away from you if you try to lock them in your cupboard. Perhaps it’s true that if you love someone you’ve gotta set them free.
But, how free? Isn’t that if we’ve committed to someone we can’t be as free as a bird anymore?

Olivier then shared his friend’s experiences. A couple. Out of the blue, the guy told his girlfriend that he wanted to have sex with other girls. Of course the girl was shocked. But then, eventually, they decided to give freedom to each other, meaning that they can have sex to anyone they want. (Hmm.. it reminded me of a story in Paulo Coelho’s book, titled “The Zahir”)

Anyway, in the end, this couple lives a happy life. Both of them are satisfied with their relationship. I don’t know whether you can call it a healthy one, but at least it works and both of them are very transparent about it. Well, it’s not something new, I know. I’ve heard about these things many times, but it’s just hard to imagine having such a relationship. And perhaps, I just don’t want one. There it goes, another true story that freaks me out about relationship and commitment.

Couple of days ago, another friend told me her story. She had a crush with a guy who lives in a different part of the world. When they finally met after months, she found out that the guy was cheating on her. Of course we can’t blame the guy nor the girl as long distance relationship has always been an issue for thousands of couples in the world. But, she just didn’t expect that a guy that she thought would be the nicest guy on earth could turn out to be just the same as those guys out there: jerks, unfaithful. He even dared to ask the girl to make love with him after telling that he has been seeing (and still) another girl! Gosh! What a story!

On the closing of her email, she wrote me this beautiful paragraph:
"Thank God for showing me this before everything is too late. Before I’m falling into a deeper love hole. Thank God that love isn’t there yet. Thank God that we’ve separated hundreds miles and that what made us apart. Thank God that when I see him now, I can see him from the other side of the fence. Thank God for showing me the light…" :)

I think what she wrote is wonderful. She still could see the positive side of her sadness. And for this, I envy her.

Maybe it’s true that most guys are jerk. So, girls, let’s not give them 100% of our trust or else we’ll be ended up smashed in little pieces. Again, as I said in the beginning of this post, it’s kinda sad to say it coz I really want to believe that not all them are bad/jerks. But hey, THEY ADMIT it themselves. So? Well, I guess, the lesson learnt here is that I just have to be very careful in choosing a guy to be my partner as there are only few of them that can be trusted. *sigh* Ah well… Isn’t our life so colorful and complicated? But, let’s think from this perspective: If it only has one color, then it will be a boring one… :)

“What to do in Singapore if you don’t feel like shopping?”

A weekend getaway in Singapore

Everybody knows that Singapore is a heaven for a shopaholic. But, when you don’t feel like shopping, you might be wondering what to do in such a small city with all the big shopping malls around?

If you want to have a nice and relaxing weekend in Singapore, perhaps you can follow my route. Hehehe.. This is what I did last weekend in Singapore. Quite relaxing and I managed not to buy any clothes and bags! Yiipppeee… Give me some applause, please! :D

On Friday night, I had dinner at The Ivory, a very nice Indian Restaurant located in Clarke Quay. The restaurant is quite fancy and the food is amazing. Highly recommended for those who love Indian food. I don’t have any complains at all on the food and they have several selections for vegetarians too, which is just perfect! ☺

Feels like burning some fat after dinner? Clubbing is the answer! Shwita, Budi, Andreas and the gang wanted to try a new club called “The Rouge”. So, all of us went there. The Rouge is located in the Emerald Hill, Orchard Road. The place itself has two different rooms. The first one is sort of a lounge, with some jazz music. I didn’t go in to this part of the club, though… but the music sounded really nice from outside.
My friends and I were all gathered on the second floor, which was the club. When I got there, they played RnB music. I loved it! There were two dancers dancing on the stage as well.

Surprisingly, this is not an ordinary club. They have a live band that plays… rock music! Oh noooooo… I don’t like rock music! I love Coldplay though, but not heavy rock music. So, when the DJ stopped spinning and the live band started playing.. uhm.. it made me come to think that probably this wasn’t the right place for me. Hehe… Well, don’t take me wrong, the band was really good. They played very well, seriously. I had to admit. I enjoyed some of the songs they played, but not when they started to play the heavy ones.


For those who love RnB music, try to visit a new club called “Butter Factory”. Ikhsan and his friends took me there. I looooveeeee this club sooo much! Butter Factory is located in Robertson Quay, near Gallery Hotel. The interior design is interesting. It has a funky-Japanese-cartoon characters-kinda style. I was very impressed by it. Too bad I didn’t bring a camera! Lots of cartoon characters decorate the ceilings on the first floor. Loved ‘em. Very creative, indeed.

The second floor of Butter Factory is also nicely decorated by colorful walls (of course with cartoon figures everywhere). So damn nice! The music was good as well. The DJ played good RnB music. And not to mention the crowd. Oohh.. it’s so happening! It seemed that everybody was very into the music and enjoying the vibe of the club. Love it. I had so much fun there. I think it’s the coolest club I’ve ever been, by far ☺.

If you want to have a lazy Saturday, recovering from the crazy Friday night, you can choose one of the cafes in Esplanade. For me, since I woke up quite late, I’d rather go to the bookstore. Went to Borders and bought some books there. I could spend hours in this place and felt like buying everything! Hahaha.. (the problem is: when will I read all of them?)

Oyeah, forgot to tell you that I tried some Indian vegetarian meals in a restaurant located in Little India, called Raj Restaurant. It's a vegetarian restaurant and apparently it's quite famous among Indian community in Singapore. Almost all of their guests are Indians! Oh, the food is amazing too.. if you're a vegetarian like me, you should try to find this place. You'll love it :)

Saturday night wasn’t complete without clubbing (again?!). Hehehe.. There are many clubs in Singapore. My suggestions: Attica, Ministry of Sound, Velvet, Zouk, Asia Bar.

Attica in Clarke Quay is my favorite. I love the place and the crowd ☺. Ministry of Sound is nice as the club is huge. They have several rooms with different type of music. It’s always happening there.

Zouk was the icon of Singapore for nightlife. But now its era is almost gone, I think. (considering MOS is around plus there are new clubs in Vivo City called Dragon Fly and St James Park). The crowd in Zouk is younger than in Velvet. So, if you don’t want to be surrounded with bunch of college students, I suggested that you go to Velvet instead.

Velvet is nice and fancy. You won’t see youngsters here (below 20 years old). I used to love the music here but somehow when we were there on Saturday, the DJ wasn’t satisfying.

Asia Bar has the most stunning view as it’s located on the top of a hotel. It has a fancy interior design as well. Nice place. But I didn’t go to Asia Bar on this trip. I heard that it wasn’t as happening as it used to. Ahhh.. that’s too bad. But it’s always like that in this kind of business, isn’t it? When new clubs open, then people started to go and check the new places.. and forget the old ones. C’est la vie..

What to do on Sunday? Well, if you tired of Orchard Road, you can always try to visit Vivo City, the newest mall in Singapore. But hey, oyeah, I forgot… no shopping this time! You can go to Sentosa Island, like what we did, tried the cable car, ludge and sky car. It was fun. Then, took a bit of a walk in Vivo City.

Where shall we go for dinner? It’s a classic question. One of my fave restaurants in Singapore is IndoChine. But this time, Shwita threw an idea to dine at Minoti, an Italian restaurant in City Hall. So, five of us were there, enjoying the good Italian food while having a lil bit of chat about everything (about work mostly… booooo!!!)

Not far from the restaurant, there was a HUGE Christmas tree. No wonder almost everyone who passed by, grabbed their digital camera/camera phone to take picture. First I didn’t know what the hell were those guys doing.. taking pictures of buildings or what?
After we finished dinner and went outside the restaurant, then I knew what the fuzz was all about. Hehehe..

Singapore in Christmastime is nice and full of Xmas lights. You’d love walking in Orchard Road during this special season of the year. Xmas decoration everywhere and the lightings are just beautiful. You’ll see people taking pictures along the Orchard Road, posing in front of a big fairy-tale-kind of looking book, or in front of big gold oak tree, or gold Xmas tree with lots of branches full of imitated money. Maybe you think it’s weird, but.. uhm… I guess Asian people in general are really bad with pictures! We just loooovee to take pictures everywhere and everytime! Hahaha.. (especially some pictures maniac like me and some of my girlfriends!) :P

After dinner, if you still have the energy to chill out with friends, you can go to Chijmes. It’s just across Menoti. I also love this place as it has lots of restaurants and bars and the vibe is just so relaxing and romantic (especially in the evening). You can sit outside, in the garden. The place is perfect for a garden party/cocktail party/wedding party (Shwita broad the latter option. Hahaha!) I could picture people walking around the garden, greet each other while having a wine or cocktail glass on their hands. Ah, so nice! :D We had drinks and sat outside at a café called Le Baroque. Aaron joined the gals. Hehehe…

So, that was my relaxing weekend in Singapore. It felt very nice as it was completely a short-getaway, no working stuff whatsoever (normally I go to Singapore for business trips). Many thanks to my friends who always entertain me every time I go to Singapore (Shwita, Budi, Ikhsan, Aaron, the newly wed: Georgine, Bejo) Hehehe.. Love ya, guys! :* :*
C ya around! Smooches! xxx

DreAmS

What is dream?

For me, dream has two meanings: a series of scenes that I “experience” when I sleep and things that I want to experience or achieve in a real life.

This time I will only discuss the latter definition of dream.

Some people live in their dreams for too long and don’t realize that they’ve gone too far. It’s like living in their own world. They become unrealistic and “unreachable”.

On the contrary, there are people who afraid to have dreams. I talked to several people who don’t know what they want in life nor what they want to achieve. They simply live their life day by day without knowing where it leads them. Well, it’s true that most of the time we don’t know what will happen to us, but for me, having an objective is important as it avoids me from feeling completely lost. At least I know where I’m heading to… and for sure there will be unexpected things coming along the way-- favorable and unfavorable ones – but that will be another task to take care of.

I realize that I have many dreams. There are just so many of them. And sometimes it makes me feel as if I’m living in two worlds at the same time. How can I manage my life to make those dreams come true? I realize that life is short. Thus, I really have to manage my life and time smartly.

Some of my dreams have come true (thanked God!). That’s where I allow the two worlds to draw near. Actually, there is a bridge that links what I do with what I would love to do. And then, slowly, my dreams take over my everyday life and I realize that I’m ready for the things I always wanted.

To make my dreams come true, I notice that all I needed is a little daring and faith. And the two worlds can become one. (sometimes I still need to remind myself about this, especially whenever I feel down)

So, let’s not be afraid of having dreams. Dreams motivate us to grow. But, always try not to dream too much without doing anything real. Let’s try to build the bridge that links the two worlds together. Pieces by pieces, step by step… as this bridge will eventually brings us to our dream world, in real.

And I still need that bridge to take me to the dreams that haven’t come true… yet.

I’m working on it.

This post is dedicated to a dear friend of mine…

Which one is more miserable: being with someone that you don’t love or being with no one?

My answer is: being with no one.

I’d rather being single than being with someone that I’m not fully in love with. I can imagine that it will be such a torture every time I have to see the person or spend the time together, yet on the other hand my heart isn’t fully there…

Therefore, I feel sorry for you, my dear friend…

You said it yourself that you’re not in love with your partner. You’re not even sure whether you want to spend the rest of your life with the person. I can understand that you don’t want to hurt the person, but… since I’m your best friend, I’d love to remind you… please don’t hurt yourself… don’t force to love your partner if you can’t.

Stay true to yourself.
I’m sure that you actually know the answer of all these puzzles.
You’re just afraid to admit it.
You’re just afraid to say NO to someone who is so fragile
You’re afraid because your partner has become so dependent on you
In which, you told me, it’s quite troublesome in the end

Since you often asked me: “What should I do?”
As your best friend, I would say: just be honest. If you feel the “relationship” isn’t right for you, just cut it off. Before you’re carried away and put yourself in a deeper hole, in which it’ll be difficult to escape…

Some people feel uncomfortable to be single
Some people try to feel secured by having a girlfriend/boyfriend
But… why do we have to feel unsecured of being alone?
Why do we need other person to feel complete and content?
Does it mean that we’re not even close to ourselves?
Does it mean that we’re not even feel comfortable to spend the time only with ourselves?

I was afraid to be alone once
But years ago, a conversation with a good friend of mine made me realized that I don’t need to be afraid of that (thanks to Nugi! ☺)
As long as I stay close to myself, I can enjoy any situation, with or without a partner by my side ☺

My dear friend,
Probably you’re afraid of being “alone”
I know it’s uneasy and that’s normal
One time, you told me that people needed to express their passions
Which is true
But, don’t you think it’s better to save your passions and express it to someone who you’re fully attracted and in love with?

Can’t you think that pretending to love someone is worse than telling the truth?

I hope you find a clarity, dear
And have the guts to fight for your own feelings
Sacrifice isn’t always a good thing
You call it a compromise, but you know it by heart that it’s a sacrifice
Can you stand to sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life?
While for the past few months you’ve been already complaining about your current situation, all these dilemmas and confusions?

Please don’t hurt yourself
I know it takes time to collect all the small pieces of courage together,
that are now still scattered on each corner of your heart
But, when the time comes… be brave
As everyone has to fight for their own battle ;)
And I’ll be here for you
To cheer you up and witness your bravery
When you win the battle that has been disrupting your heart
All these months

Take care and be true to yourself, my dear friend
I'd love to see real happiness in your eyes...

MiRaCLeS

Do you believe in miracles?
I do.

I notice that some people don’t believe in miracles, but that’s ok. I will not try to persuade anyone to change his/her perception. It’s his/her call.

Why am I discussing about miracles now? I don’t know. I’m just sitting here @ my bedroom and thinking about how funny my life is. Hehehe.. and suddenly I remember that sometimes-weird things happened. Unexplainable ones…

There was a time when I was actively involved in two charity clubs. Ramadhan season was the busiest season for me, even though I’m not a Moslem. Every week at least there were two orphanages that we visited (one orphanage for each charity club). One time, we were planning to take numbers of orphans to break the fast at a fast food restaurant. Everything was settled: the venue, numbers of children, the meals, etc. Everything, except the transportation. We were preparing this from weeks ahead, but at that time we had difficulties in finding public transportation to rent. Every single day I received such hopeless reports from my colleagues.

Damn! What should we do? We already tried everything, but the result was zero. One day before the D-day, I was sitting alone in my office feeling hopeless. Didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know to whom I should ask for a favor anymore. Didn’t have any idea how would we solve this issue.

But, suddenly, my phone rang. A woman’s voice greeted me and said, “Hello, is this Nila? I heard that your charity club is having an event tomorrow. I’m just wondering whether I could contribute something”.

Then I said, “Oh yeah.. sure. Anything will do. But, honestly, we still don’t have any transportation to take the orphans to the venue and take them back to their orphanage…”

The woman on the other line said, “Ahh.. what a coincidence! I own a transportation company. I have some busses that you can use. How many busses do you need?”

I said, “One or two busses should be enough, depends on the seats. How much should we pay for one bus? And do you also provide a driver?”

She said, “Ohhh Nila.. don’t worry. I’ll give it for free. Just tell me how many busses do you need? I will also provide the drivers. You can use the busses as long as you want. The drivers will take those kids to the venue, wait there and then take them back to their place”.

…

Speechless. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.
She offered me everything for free. I didn’t even know her and I had no idea how she knew my mobile number. Perhaps she got my number from our website, but hey… what a coincidence that she called up just at the right time!

I was stunned. Still speechless after hang up the phone and felt so relieved at the same time. The phone call was the answer of my prayer. I thanked God for that… big time.

The next day, there were two busses parking in front of our meeting place, complete with the drivers, ready to serve us.

And I stood there. Amazed. Felt blessed and couldn’t stop thinking how lucky we were!
At that time, I realized that God would always help us, thus, we shouldn’t worry about anything.

This story also reminded me of a phrase, “Don’t be afraid of tomorrow. God is already there”.

I always remember this phrase whenever I feel worried, nervous, or afraid of something. It convinces me that everything is going to be just fine… ☺ Even in the most difficult situation, He would be there to help us.

Everything is possible. So, don’t lose faith. Miracles do exist, even in this insane world ☺. At least that’s what I think. The story above is only one simple true story that happened in my life. There are many more… and still more to come ☺

as time goes by
I never known why I'm here

just remembering when I slept with cold
without any expectation for gold

I just need a friend
who talk to me without bluff

honest
passion
cheerful and peace

friend
is more valuable than anything
including you are
my friend, my nice one

by Totot, an old friend of mine :)

ConveyinG The RighT SiGnaLs

This time I wanna share something about conveying the right signals to other people. Do you guys notice that sometimes we convey wrong signals to other people and at the end those people get totally wrong ideas on what we want or how we feel?

I do that sometimes as well. For example, I was bored as hell in the middle of a conversation with someone but I still put a smile on my face. I acted as if I was interested to what he said, in which wasn’t true. I wasn’t even listening! It’s called pseudo-listening. And it’s not a good thing because the other person will think that we understand the topic and interested in it. It will make him talk even more about the boring topic. Oh no!!! Of course it will be the last thing on earth that we wish for at that very moment, aight? :p

I still remember one day I had drinks with my new friend. It was 5.30pm and we had nice conversations until we were hungry and wanted to grab something to eat. Then we went to a nice restaurant and had dinner there. Again, we discussed about everything, from books to philosophical stuffs. Quite a serious conversation actually, but it was nice. When I looked at my watch, it was midnight already! Wow, time flies and I had an appointment with my friends to go clubbing. Hehehe.. He wanted to join us as he claimed that he also loved to party.

But then, you know what… it turned out to be a disaster, because even in the club, he was still insisting to discuss about books and those serious stuffs! Topics that I didn’t want to discuss in a CLUB! Can you imagine, at 3am in the morning he was still trying to impress me with his intelligence, while what I wanted to do at that time was dancing with my friends?? Especially when the DJ was playing my favorite tracks! Oh my goodness… it was terrible! And I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt him. So, I could only stand there, trying to listen to him and nodding once in a while, acting as if he was discussing something that could draw my interests.

Wrong decision!

I wouldn’t suggest you to do the same as it would only torture you. Well, sometimes I left him alone with my friend, while I went to see my other friends who were standing at the other side of the club. I did that couple of times, but he just couldn’t read between the lines. Yup. Sometimes people aren’t sensitive and cannot read between the lines. In that case, we should tell them bluntly on how we feel and don’t give wrong body language. Pseudo-listening isn’t recommended.

Last night my friend told me that he lost interest on his girlfriend. Yet, the funny thing is that his girlfriend had no idea whatsoever on what he felt. She was still feeling head over heals toward their relationship. *Some people just cannot read between the lines*
But, perhaps, could it also be because of he didn’t convey the right signal to his girlfriend? It’s possible.

He didn’t want to hurt her. That was the reason. That’s why he gave “wrong” signals to his girlfriend, acted as if he was still into her. No wonder his girlfriend got a totally wrong idea on how he felt toward her. Ooopsssieee..
Terrible. Indeed. I felt sorry for his girlfriend, and him.

So, I told him that he should be honest to his girlfriend. Of course it might hurt her, but it would happen eventually, sooner or later. The sooner the better. “And stop conveying the wrong signal to your girlfriend”, I said. Because it would hurt her even more when she found out that everything was fake.

From our conversation last night, I realized how important it is to deliver the right signal to other people. It’s better to say what we want and express what we think clearly. It’s ok to be straight-forward. As direct as as the Dutch. Hehehe.. I prefer that way. Especially knowing that some people just are not sensitive and have difficulties in reading between the lines.

We don’t want my friend’s experience happens in our life, do we? ;)

So, I try to keep this sentence in mind: “If I don’t convey the right signals, the right body language, the right message to other people, then I’ll be in trouble”. Ouch! Dangerous!

BaLi, LomBoK and GiLi TraWanGaN - SuMMer HoLiDaY 2006

Hey guys, I'd love to share some pictures of my summer holiday (yeah right, it's always summer here in Indonesia!) in Bali, Lombok and Gili Trawangan. I guess the pictures speak for themselves! ;)

If you haven't been to Lombok and Gili Trawangan island, you should try to visit these islands! Breathtaking views, untouched beauty... virgin beaches with white sands and mountains as the background of the whole picture... mmmmm.. imagine yourself being there! Definitely the perfect places to lay back and relax. Enjoy summer time, everyone... let's get some tanned! ;)


top: Dreamland, Bali


top: Senggigi Beach, Lombok




top: Mount Agung and the sunset view from Lombok


top: The boat that took me to Gili Trawangan from Lombok (it took 1.5 hours from the Senggigi Beach). So, this was the view when I just arrived in Gili Trawangan island. Beautiful. Definitely.


top: My favorite picture so far. Gili Trawangan.


top: Gili Trawangan's kids chilling out


top: The sunset and the rain next to it. Gili Trawangan. Amazing!


top: Gili Trawangan


top: It's me! hehehe.. *narcist* Last day in Gili Trawangan

with love,

"BEING 30"

Two weeks ago I became 30. For those who are above 30, you must laugh at my age and say, “Oohh.. you’re still a baby, don’t worry, dear.. 30s is wonderful”. But, for those who haven’t reached this age yet, you must be wondering how does it feel of being 30?

For a woman, being 30 is quite a big deal coz now we cannot say that we’re 20s anymore.
Some of my girl friends who are on the same age like me were worried by the fact that now we’re “that young” anymore. I guess, for me, it depends on how we see it and from whose perspectives. If you ask a girl in her 17, of course she will say, “Oh my God, you’re so old”. But if you ask a woman in her 40s, then she will say, “Darling, you’re at the best age of being a woman” ☺.

In my own dictionary of semiology, I see 30 as being more matured, sophisticated, more wise, still young.. .and also it reflects opportunities.
Matured because obviously I’m not a teenager anymore. Wise, because I’ve been through some precious experiences throughout my life. Young, because I think there are still lots of opportunities and lessons to be learned in life… and I feel young because I haven’t experienced them all..
I’ll take my time, as I will not pick fruit while it is still green…

I remember sitting in my bedroom before midnight on my birthday and thought about what have I done and happened in life. I felt blessed and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, since I was a kid (of course I couldn’t remember how did it feel like when I was a baby. I think my memory of my childhood started when I was 3 years old. Still remember my 3rd birthday party, when I had “bisul” on my forehead because I used to eat too much eggs :P). I felt grateful for having lovely parents and interesting brothers (I said interesting coz both of them have totally different personalities and sometimes I have to argue with them on certain things), for being able to go to school in Jakarta til high school, for the 4 years of student life in Bandung, for the 2 years living in Amsterdam surrounded by people from all over the world, for the wonderful friends with different characters everywhere, for the achievements, jobs and everything. Also for the problems and difficulties in life as they taught me on how to deal with obstacles and make me wiser (amen!).

Every single thing is meaningful. Even in times of difficulties, I see it as an opportunity to grow myself. Of course sometimes I make mistake and have to pay the price for it. And it ain't easy. Or sometimes, some of us feel that we’re wasting time for doing something only to end back where we started. For me, everything happens for a reason. There must be something that I have to learn behind everything. The key is not to allow myself to be discouraged.
Always takes everything as a challenge and opportunity to become a better person, a better human being in this planet. A better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better colleague, a better partner (once I have a bf.. hehe!), as I believe that each individual action affects everyone on the planet. And I am what I am now also because of them. Although of course I have some basic characters, they take part in in building my personalities and characters as well. So, I’m very grateful for that. Thankful for meeting and interacting with everyone whom I’ve met and taught me about the beauty of life.

So, being 30 is a good thing, as it will provide me with more opportunities and unexpected things that might come along the way, yet with more clarity. And I can’t wait to experience what’s more to come… also to see more pieces of God’s elements in every single person that I meet…

"Warrior Of The Light"

Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle
Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone
Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his
Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons
Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed that he was not a Warrior of the Light
Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties
Every Warrior of the Light has said "yes" when he wanted to say "no"
Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved

That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is...


*"Warrior of The Light: A Manual", by Paulo Coelho*

“IF I KNEW THAT I WOULD DIE SOON..”

Sunday, April 23, 2006 5:30am

Just got back from DJ Tiesto’s (the world’s number 1 dj at the moment, he’s from Holland) performance @ Pantai Carnival, Ancol with Ingkan, Sabrina, Nadia, Marthijn. Fifi and Eba. We had a blast there! Loved the music. Well done, Tiesto! ☺ You’ve entertained all of us here in Jakarta! (huehehe… as if he reads this blog :P, hey.. who knows!) ;)

I don’t feel sleepy yet. My eyes are still wide open. I feel like writing something, but there are too many topics in my head that can be discussed here. Hmm.. OK, let’s discuss about “death”.

As human beings, we are attached with some values, rules, ethics, etc. There are things that we are not allowed to do, or at least, people would consider it as a negative thing, or even a taboo. Things that can make us feel ashamed of doing, because other people think so.
In life, we care so much about pride, ego and image. What will people think about us, if we do …? This question pops up so many times in our mind now and then.

Now. The question is… what if you happen to know that you will die in two months?
What will you do then? I think, if that happens to me, I will do lots of things that I’ve never done before but always wanted to do (of course!, that’s an easy answer and I’m sure most people will have the same answer)

But this time, I will not write down all the things that I’d like to do in those short two months period, coz the list will be loooong :p. Hehhee..

I think, the most important thing to realize is that all of a sudden, the importance of keeping my pride and ego at a certain level is vanished! All of a sudden, I don’t care of what other people will think. I don’t care whether my actions will embarrassed myself and make my pride goes down to the lowest level. I won’t care.
For example, I will tell the guy whom I love so much, but never have the guts to tell him my feelings all these time only because I’m holding too much on my pride and ego. This time, I won’t care. Those kinds of things are not an issue anymore. I will soon be dead anyway. I’ve got nothing to loose. So, why bother about pride and ego?

I’m wondering, if everyone doesn’t really care about pride, ego and image so much, then the world will be a nicer place to live. Everyone will be more honest and sincere to each other, there’s nothing to hide, no masks to put on, everything is transparent. People can tell truth to each other (even if they’re corrupted! But if we go further, actually, they corrupt because they want to build a high profile image in the society. They want to be seen wealthy, although in fact they aren’t! So, if they can be proud of their true identity and accepted by the society just as they are… no different treatment or whatsoever in the society, then there’s no need to corrupt, they can be more honest to everyone… and most importantly to themselves..). People can express themselves better, for example, kissing the same sex on the street (so, the gay community doesn’t have to worry on the society’s negative judgment toward gay issues), criticizing the government without having the fear to be kidnapped or getting “warning” from the company that we work for being too vocal in criticizing the management, and so on and so forth.

If that happens, then I think the world will be livelier! I’m not talking whether everything will be more organized, but at least we can be more honest and the relationships between each human being is more sincere and pure. We listen to our heart more and act like a child, in the sense of honesty and purity. No tricky and mind games coz simply there’s no need to have one. Everything is transparent. Although sometimes it hurts to know the truth, but time will heal. Like a child, we cry out loud when we’re in pain, but after that, we stop crying and go back to the playing ground again. Start laughing with friends and new friends… discovering new things together with them.. or even alone.

So, why can’t we be like a child anymore? As time goes by, we become grown ups and busy with tight schedules. Our life suddenly surrounded by certain values, norms, unwritten rules. Things that we should and shouldn’t do nor say to maintain our pride, ego and image. Yet, back to the first question on this post, when your time is up, will you still bother about pride, ego and image anymore? Are these things still important to you as you’ll soon be dead anyway? …

JUST F.R.I.E.N.D.S

A lot of time, girls say “Let’s just be friends” to guys as a rejection of their proposal. For me, when I say it, I really mean it. I really mean to be his friend and from my point of view, it’s better that way: pure friends, no romance involved. Unfortunately, some guys can’t face the reality; they remain silent and then disappear from my life. That’s a pity.

When I say, “Let’s just be friends”, it means that I’m not attracted to him in many ways – it can be physically, emotionally, etc. I don’t feel like seeing him everyday, missing him, nor addicted to him. Also don’t have the passions to kiss, hug him, etc. No way.

A relationship with a guy in the “Just Friends” box can get complicated when he can’t accept the fact that I don’t want to be his girlfriend. Some guys can be very obsessive and it’s scary. This type of guy feels more challenged when a girl rejects him. As a result, he can send us sms hundred of times a day, call us up thousand of times a day, and when we don’t pick up the phone, he will keep on trying. The worst thing is that he becomes your stalker. Ouch!!!

For this type of guy, it’s very obvious that I can’t stand to be his friend coz he’s simply annoying and scares me as hell. So, how do I react and feel to this obsessive type of “Just Friends”?
• Don’t reply to his sms
• Don’t pick up to his phone calls [maybe I will pick it up once, but not ALL his phone calls]
• Find excuses for any dinner or lunch invitation
• Don’t sound excited on the phone
• Feel annoyed and disturbed
• As much as I can, I don’t want to be in touch with him
• If his behavior is getting worse, I’ll be frank to him and say that he’s already disturbing and it’s better not to contact me anymore [am good at it]
• Will ask him to find a girlfriend or potential gf and stop bothering me.

On the other hand, if the guy can accept the reality and take my offer to be friends, this is how I will react and feel:
• Will be happy to see and share any stories with him
• Will be friendly on the phone
• Will be a good listener for him as well and provide counsel in love department whenever he needs it
• Will treat him as a good friend of mine
• Will respect him for his BIG heart
• As time goes by, I’ll mention about whose inside my Potential Boyfriend box and ask his opinion. It won’t hurt him anymore as he already becomes my best friend

So, as we can see, it’s better off to accept the reality, as we will not loose a friend. Instead, we’ll get a new best friend whom we can share our thoughts with.

Usually, guys don’t realize that their behaviors influence the way the girls’ treat them. Hopefully, the examples above make us realize that all we need is a BIG HEART. Having a big heart enables us to cherish the friendships, without wanting to have more out of it. It simply enables us to see a person from a different perspective… and it’s wonderful, you’ll see ☺.

It also works for me if a guy in the Potential Boyfriend box apparently doesn’t worth it. As I mentioned before, I will move him to the “Just Friends” box right away. By seeing him as a normal friend, my heart feels much more at ease. I don’t wait for his phone calls/sms/email anymore. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t contact me. Just like our friends, we will be happy to talk to them, but they don’t have to call us everyday, right?
So, hearing no news from him is no longer a torture for me. And I feel really good about it. I’ve made a good decision, I think ☺. At the end, I can admire him truly as a friend and feel grateful for that. It means that now I can see him from a different angle… which is much more pleasurable… ☺. Believe me.

So, Potential Boyfriend-Toy Boy-Just Friends, which one is the most difficult to handle? ;)

My answer will be: the Potential Boyfriend. Potential Bf absorbs my attention and energy at most. He can make my world turns upside down, which is not funny at all, if am not in the mood for taking a roller coaster ride. He can make me feel ‘head over hills’ if I know that he has the same strong feelings toward me. Which is a great feeling to have, of course! He can easily turn me down, however, only by a small unfavorable thing that he does. It’s quite exhausting. So, I have to be in a good condition, emotionally, to be able to handle these kinds of stuffs. If he’s really worth all the dizziness, then I’ll take my roller coaster ride ☺.

Well then, I have to excuse myself now. Hopefully the last three posts can entertain everyone who reads it! Take it easy… ☺

TOY BOY

What is a toy boy? Toy boy/boy toy/boy material/whatever you name it is a non-commitment partner whom I share interests and certain activities together [but not all activities, otherwise, I will put him in a “Potential Boyfriend” box!]

Obviously, a toy boy meets some criteria of a boyfriend to be, but not all. Most of the time, we are just physically attracted. So, it doesn’t influence a deep feeling at all. Far from the “L” word [read: Love].

Based on experiences, my relationship with a toy boy was purely for fun. A toy boy can be so amusing, amazingly gorgeous and good-looking, yet we speak different language, meaning: we don’t share any interests at all or have to think hard on a topic for discussion every time we meet. But, a toy boy can also very fun to be with, share a lot of interests, yet not good enough to be put in a “Potential Boyfriend” box coz either he doesn’t have the same vision of life or he’s not taking life seriously. Not matured enough. It’s pretty tiring to assist, telling what to do, provide solutions to any problem to someone who simply hasn’t matured enough. I’ve been there before and am not going there again. I don’t want to act like a mommy, sorry to say, but that’s not my favorite thing. Instead, I want a guy whom I can rely on when I have problems.. It will be ideal if it works both ways.

Normally, a relationship with a toy boy is very flirtatious. We love to flirt. It’s fun. If I can explain, it’s like a time when a guy tries to approach a girl, tries to do anything that will impress her, vice versa. But, with a toy boy, these things happen continuously. Never stop. Which is fun. Right? ;)

With a toy boy, everything goes very fast. Instant. Why is it like that? It’s because, normally, we both know that the “relationship” doesn’t go anywhere. No future. Realizing it, it makes life easier. That’s why we both can enjoy the companionship to the fullest.

How do I act when meeting a toy boy?
• Flirt [and vice versa!]
• Say yes to any date invitation, but don’t really take it seriously and also, it depends on my mood
• Have a good time together
• Can do stupid things in front of him.. don’t really have to BEHAVE. Hahaha..
• When I’m alone, I don’t think of him. I never bother to think what he’s doing when we don’t see each other [on the contrary, I think a lot about a Potential Boyfriend]
• Will tell him if I there was any guy inside my Potential Boyfriend box.

How do I feel when meeting a toy boy?
• Happy, coz we both enjoy the time that we spend together
• Feel happy when he’s around, but I also feel OK when he’s not around
• Feel OK to contact him first, don’t feel nervous when doing it
• Less sense of urgency, in terms of, e.g.: don’t feel urge to reply to his sms right away [he can wait.. hehehe] ;)
• Don’t feel jealous
• Don’t feel sad if there’s no calls or messages from him [takes everything more easily]
• Will feel bored after sometime.. especially if we meet too often
• Always need a break, especially when the relationship is getting too intense

A lot of my friends [guys] share their love stories and ask for my opinion. Some of them are confused of their Potential Girlfriends’ behavior. The girls seem to like them and show the passions, but when the guys talk about taking a step further [read: going steady, committed relationship], the girls don’t seem interested at all. They refuse ‘the offer’ implicitly. However, they remain sweet and never say NO to any date invitation. Pretty confusing, huh?

Let me tell you something. Girls love to keep their toy boys in the box. So do I. It feels good to have admirers ;) and we don’t want to loose them. That’s why we maintain the sweet relationships with the toy boys. So, if you see any sign that you were treated as a toy boy, it’s up to you whether you still want to continue chasing her and fight till the end [the ultimate goal: be her BOYFRIEND], or to give up and leave her alone. It’s all up to you. Anyway, she won’t miss you that much [ouch! reality bites]. Other choice is accepting the fact that your status is just a toy boy. Look at the bright side: you can also do the same thing. In this case, both parties are happy. Problem’s solved ☺. Full stop.

One can have many toy boys inside the “Toy Boy” box while having a Potential Boyfriend at the same time, as long as the latter hasn’t transformed into a so called boyfriend. So, there are no limitations here and no one can complaint as there are no strings attached.

What I like from having a “Toy Boy” box is that this box can brighten up my day in the middle of the hustle and bustle of my heavy workload, without occupying too much space in my mind. The box is also not powerful enough to influence my emotional feelings. So, when one of the guys from the box is acting like a jerk, annoying or disturbing, it won’t bother me at all [maybe only a bit]. I can always turn around and walk away… But, actually, this thing seldom happens as our days together are normally filled with bright colors, laughter and the three letters: F.U.N. Everything is so light and easy. Which sometimes, that’s what we need. ☺

(next post: what’s inside the “Just Friends” box?) .. to be continue..

PoTenTiaL BoyFriEnD, ToY BoY or JuSt FRiEnDS?

Girls react differently to different type of guys. A lot of time guys do not have any idea on how we [girls] think. A lot of time guys get wrong impression from the way we behave. Below are some insights for you guys, so that you have some hints when approaching a girl that you adore ;)

POTENTIAL BOYFRIEND:

When girls meet a guy who is smart, nice, friendly, humorous, independent, easy-going, has a good attitude, and not boring [in the sense of: we can discuss anything with him!], we might want to get to know him better and wish to get closer with him. Especially if the guy meets all the requirements to be our so called boyfriend.

Yes, admit it or not, girls do have some requirements for a BOYFRIEND. Every girl has different criteria and the criteria that I mentioned above are the must-have-characters of my boyfriend to be :).
When meeting the guy who has all the criteria, I have a sort of “alarm” in my mind and will automatically categorize and put him in a “Potential Boyfriend” box... and keep it there.

This is how I normally react when meeting a “Potential Boyfriend”:

• Will be cheerful, even more cheerful than I’m used to

• Will say YES to any dinner invitation

• Will reply to his sms right away [except when I’m on a meeting]

• On the phone, I’ll be a good listener for him 

• Will not do any stupid things in front of him

• Being extra careful in whatever I do [this will include kissing scenes and other activities that involves romance] and sometimes playing hard to get [of course, girls don’t want the guy to think that we’re an “easy” type of girls who can easily fall for someone and do anything to make him happy and “satisfied”… well, maybe some girls won’t agree with me, but I believe with the phrase “easy come easy go”. So, I personally won’t do anything that I might regret in the future]

• Will not mention about other guy in the Potential Boyfriend box, if there’s any. [hey, it’s legal to have several candidates!]


How do I feel when I meet my “potential boyfriend”?

• Nervous, that’s for sure!

• Will think twice, three times or even four times before sending sms, phone calls or email to him

• A lot of time I cancelled all the desires and attempts to send sms or to call him 

• Feel hesitate to contact him first [I wait for him to contact me first! Maybe it sounds so conservative as we live in a digital age.. heukekeke.. but, hey… I’m just being me!] If at the end I’m the one who contact him first, it must be a result from the action no. 2 [please see the second bullet points]. And believe me, it’s not an easy thing to do!

Lately, I find it difficult to fill in my “Potential Boyfriend” box. I met some of the potential ones, but as time goes by, either I felt bored with them, they didn’t have self-confidence to go after me, or they just wanted to play around. For the first and second type of guy, I will just simply move them from the “Potential Boyfriend” box to “Just Friends” box. But, for the third one, I will move them to another box, which is a “Toy Boy” box.

What is a “Toy Boy”, by the way? (to be continue)

Small Thing that Made Me Happy

Yesterday evening, when I was reading "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" by Mark Haddon, suddenly my cellphone was bipping. It was a text message from my friend in Edinburgh, Scotland. The content made me happy. Very. It was such a surprising message. Guess what? He's coming to Bandung on Monday to start teaching English!!!

Oh my God! I was so surprised, yet happy and excited! Couldn't believe that he was that serious in pursuing his will on teaching English in Asia! Wow. Two thumbs up for him! :)

His name is John. He was my colleague when I studied in Amsterdam. We went to the same university, but different major. Couple of months ago, he mentioned about his desire to become an English teacher. Then he took a course for English teaching to get a license or certificate. This certificate will smoothen his path to teach English abroad. He told me that he's interested in teaching English somewhere in Asia. So, I told him to consider Indonesia as one of the choices. And.. he did :).

One day, he sent me sms and told me that he got a job interview in Bandung (the interview was conducted over the phone). He asked me about the city as he remembered that I got my bachelor degree from a uni there. (such a good memory he has, I spoke to my self)
So I described the city and what I loved most about it.... at that time, I didn't expect that he was really about to take the job there!!!

It was raining hard outside, but I was so happy to know the fact that one of my colleagues is coming to Indonesia. Am still happy and excited now. It would be nice to meet him again after almost 2 years! Didn't imagine before that we would meet in Indonesia, my home country... not in Europe :D. Such a cool surprise. I just hope that he'd love Bandung and feel comfortable working there... :) (otherwise, I would feel bad, huh?) Oh, fortunately Bandung isn't far away from Jakarta, so we could hang out together just like when we were studying in Amsterdam. Nice!!

Ah well... another friend of mine just proved that the phrase "When there is a will, there is a way" does work. If you want something so bad, u'll better fight for it... and u will eventually get it ;) ...

CIA YO!!! ^-^

Happy New Year 2006, everyone! :)

some shots in Bali during the holiday seasons.. end of December 2005-early of January 2006

A visit to Aceh...

I got an opportunity to visit Aceh on December 26 - 27, 2005 for the one year commemoration of the tsunami. Yup, it was exactly one year after the tsunami hits the area...

During those two days in Banda Aceh, I was overwhelmed to see all the damage caused by the tsunami. I went to Ulee Lheue, the worst hit area in Banda Aceh and was speechless... The entire area was flat, no houses or buildings whatsoever... all u could see were only ruins. It was really hard to imagine that this used to be a housing area for the Acehnese.

Despite all the ruins, the area was surrounded by a stunning scenery: mountains, hills and the sea.. So beautiful! It must be nice to live there, where every morning you open your window and see this amazing landscape. Ah well...

I also managed to go to Lhok Nga, a used-to-be beautiful beach before it was hit by the tsunami. There was a mass grave located nearby the beach. Kinda scary, isn't it? :p I think the beach was a bit gloomy, especially in the dawn, yet still beautiful...

There was also a visit to a mass grave in Lambaro as part of the whole official ceremonial events of the one year commemoration of tsunami. I got chill on my bumps by seeing the numbers written on the board: about 47.718 victims were burried in this area! *speechless*

During my two-days visit in Aceh, I felt so sad only by looking at the faces of the locals... (I imagined what they've been through during the tsunami.. it must be hard to survive and to accept the reality where almost all your family members were disappeared!) However, the beauty of the area has amazed me as I didn't expect that Aceh would be so pretty and dazzling as it is... seriously.




Let's hope that all the parties involved in the reconstruction for Aceh could work together and hand-in-hand in developing the area as soonest as possible. My heart was broken to see the number of temporary houses that were not enough and sufficient for all the victims... it ain't easy for them... yet, it ain't easy for us who see it as well..

Life works in a mysterious way..

*A fairy tale*

I'd like to share this beautiful story with you, my dear friends…

Princess Tini lives in the Kingdom of Snow. It’s always winter there (just like in “Narnia” movie). She’s 27 years old, still single. It’s not that she did not have any boyfriend, but at her 27 years living in the cold kingdom, she decided not to have one. All of her life she’s been wondering whether her Prince Charming does exist.. or whether this ideal figure is just a sort of hallucination and imaginary..

One day, there was a Prince Sunrise from the Kingdom of Sun asked her to marry him. Although they know each other so well, Princess Tini were not sure that he was the one that she’ll be spending the rest of her life with. She was confused and asked God to give some clues on what to do. She was afraid that she might pick a wrong decision…

For couple of days Princess Tini had sleepless nights. She loves Prince Sunrise so much but on the other hand she cannot understand why her heart keeps on whispering to wait for the love of her life that she hasn’t even met yet?

However, she didn’t know until when she has to wait for the Prince Charming to come to her real life. Then, she thought that perhaps it was her destiny to be together with Prince Sunrise as he was her childhood best friend and the only person that she could count on in this life.

Princess Tini decided to go to the Kingdom of Sun to tell this good news. She took her friends and maids to accompany her on this trip. It took few weeks to get to the Kingdom of Sun from her own kingdom. Her friends and maids were such a good company as they all shared laughter and always sang favorite songs to bright up their journey..

One day, when Princess Tini took a bath on a river, she bumped into a guy. Apparently, he comes from a neighbor kingdom, called the Kingdom of Roses. She heard a lot about this kingdom and always wanted to go there. People say that the air in the Kingdom of Roses smells like roses… as well as the wind breeze…

His name is Prince Rozlynos. Not that handsome, she thought. His skin is a bit pale and he has a strange accent – a Roses accent, that’s what people say. Normally, she never talk to strangers, because that’s what have been the Queen, her Mom, taught to her: Never talk to someone who you don’t know. But this time, she thought, it wouldn’t hurt to make friends during her journey… apart from that, Prince Rozlynos does not look dangerous at all, she tried to convince herself.

Couple of minutes later, they’re already engaged in a deep conversation. From a distance, Tini’s friends and the maids were watching them and wondering who the hell was the stranger guy that sit next to their Princess? But, seeing the Princess looked so happy and excited, they cancelled the idea to interrupt them.. and left them alone.

Princess Tini was happy to meet such a nice new friend. It appears that Prince Rozlynos isn’t just an ordinary guy. He has a lot of things that she adores: the brain, the attitude and the character. Although they barely knew each other, but Tini knows that they have a same vision. What a cool friend to have, she thought.

Later at night, she tried to remember what has happened today… and suddenly, she was shocked to hear her feelings. Her heart whispered that it is that kind of guy that she always wanted to be with! Her hands were trembling… what happened?

Suddenly, her brain worked faster. Perhaps it’s a sign from God, the answer of her prayer, the answer of her confusion. In the middle of that night, she tried to listen to her heart and concentrate. After few minutes of quietness, she came into a conclusion:

“The incident that I met Prince Rozlynos wasn’t just a coincidence. It’s a God’s sign. God wanted to show to me that my Prince Charming-type of guy- does exist. Although perhaps it’s not Prince Rozlynos who will be the chosen one for me, but at least that type of guy does exist in this real life. So, I just have to be patient. Life works in a mysterious way”.

In the next morning, she decided to return to the Kingdom of Snow… together with her best friends and maids who have been very loyal accompanying her in the very important quest of her life. From that day, she became more excited on what would happen in her life next… and she thanked God that He delivered the answer just in a right time…