Thank you for all bloggers

Dear bloggers,

I would like to thank you for all your support. Am very sorry that I haven't been able to give any comments related to the statement of The Malaysian Tourism Board Tengku Adnan yet (on the “Bloggers are liars. They use all sort of ways to cheat others. From what I know, out of 10,000 unemployed bloggers, 8,000 are women")) as I was still mourning of the loss of my special person in life.

I'm very touched to read the posts in the blogosphere. Just to mention some of them:
Susan Loone, Elizabeth Wong, screenshots, Nuraina A Samad, Kak Teh, Skthew, Marina Mahathir, and many many more.

And today, I got even more responses in my blog as Tengku Adnan made a clarification on the remarks last week on women bloggers by saying "I didn't mean all women. I was referring to Indon journalist" (Relishdish.blogspot.com),
Elizabeth Wong.

Soon after, I got a phone call from one of the online media in Indonesia, asking me about this matter. The media wrote 3 articles regarding this issue and there were some comments as well from the readers in their website as well as in my blog.

Reading all the comments and posts in the blogosphere, I'd love to thank all of you for the supports. As a blogger, all I wanted to do was to tell the truth, share my experience (and hopefully readers can learn from it), thoughts and how I felt toward certain things. I'm sure that's what we all do :)

So, again, thank you for Indonesian bloggers, Malaysian bloggers and all bloggers in the world! As for Malaysian bloggers, thank you for your posts and comments. I would love to visit your country again, and maybe promoting Malaysia in the near future (if not in the TV station - coz I'm still being suspended, could be in the printed media as I'm also a writer for a travel magazine).


xoxo,
Nila Tanzil

Butterflies on the sea

Today me and Mom went to the beach to throw some flowers for our loved ones.
As I wrote in my earlier post, today is supposed to be Morgan's 37th birthday and 14th year commemoration of my Dad's death.

Dad always told me that he wanted to be cremated once he passed away. And he wanted us to scatter his ashes to the sea. He was Buddhist and he believed in reincarnation. Throwing ash to the sea helps the spirit to be free and goes directly to God, because the body is no longer attaches to the earth.

He also said that by throwing his ash to the sea, it would reduce the sadness whenever the family wanted to visit him. Going to the beach is indeed more fun than going to a graveyard. I still remember he said, "I want everyone to have fun whenever you guys visit me. Don't be sad. Just enjoy the beach and have a good time".

14 years ago, he passed away and we cremated him. One of our relatives told Mom not to be surprised if there was something unusual happened on that day, such as: she might see an animal or something. Indonesians are very superstitious and with a combination of Buddhism's believes, my uncle told her that the animal (or could be in other form) could represent my Dad’s spirit who wanted to say goodbye.

Then when she was praying at the crematorium, a white butterfly flew around her body and laid on her thigh. It flew away as soon as she finished her prayer. She was touched. Perhaps Dad wanted to say goodbye…

When my sister in law gave birth, on the critical moment, Mom, my big brother and his wife, saw a white butterfly flying around in that room! A butterfly in a sterilized hospital room? How odd could that be?

So, this morning… it was very quiet and peaceful there. In the middle of the sea. We threw flowers and sent our prayers. A blue sky and a soft wind breeze made it such a beautiful morning.

We stayed silent for a while. I cried a lot. I really missed you, babe. I really wished you were here. But, seeing the bright and blue sky, with beautiful clouds as white as cottons, I tried to assure myself that you’re having a good time up there. I’m sure it must be more beautiful there than here.. and that’s why you’d love it.

Then our boat started to sail again. Brought us back to the beach. And that’s when I saw two butterflies flying… at the back of our boat… Those two butterflies followed us until we reached the beach.. as if they guided us til we arrived safely to the land…

Mom was very touched. Her body was shaking and she burst out to cry (again).
Whether those two beautiful butterflies were you and Dad, I don’t know. But what I know for sure is that I have two guardian angels now. My lovely Dad and you, my gorgeous boyfriend.

Happy birthday, dear Morgan!

Today is your birthday. I wish I could congratulate you face to face. We would’ve celebrated your special day together tonight. I’m sure if you were still around, we would have a nice dinner together, this evening. I wonder where we would celebrate it…

Today is your birthday. It’s been a week since I haven’t heard your voice nor got your sms. And I miss you. So much.

Today is your birthday. But you’re not around. I can’t see your smile anymore. It hurts me, babe… My heart breaks into pieces. I wanted to ask “Why? Why aren’t you here?” But I guess I have to try to accept the reality and deal with it. I know you wouldn’t like it if I asked the same question again and again. I know that you don’t like seeing me sad… and mourning all the time… But it’s hard, babe. I’ve tried. It’s just so damn hard.

Today is your birthday and your body arrives in your home country. What a coincidence! Did you plan to go home on your birthday?

March 14th is a special day for me. And when I met you, it becomes even more special. My Dad passed away on March 14th, 14 years ago. I was very surprised that your birthday was March 14th, too. So, this morning I went to the beach with Mom, to throw flowers for my Dad… and… for you.

Hopefully you’ve met my Dad by now. I’ve asked him to take you around, to see how beautiful that place is. Dad must be happy to do that for you. He would take you to see the nicest garden and beach you’ve ever seen. Maybe you could even go diving together (Dad loved scuba diving, so I’m sure you guys will get along with each other very well).

Oh why is it so sad? The feeling that I have now is even sadder than the feeling that I had when I broken-hearted. It doesn’t feel good at all, babe…

I really wish you were here… I really wish that I could see you tonight at your place and we go somewhere to celebrate your special day together. Ah well… I’m still learning to get used to live without your presence. Give me some time, will you? Am sure you understand.

Happy birthday, babe. I wonder what are you doing now?
I wish you have a wonderful day and a big celebration up there… in heaven…
I could only send my prayer as your birthday present...

With love, Nila.

Untitled (can't think of any title for this post, babe..)

This post is dedicated to Morgan Mellish, a journalist for the Australian Financial Review

The first time I met Morgan was in September 2006 at one of JFCC's parties. This tall and a good looking guy was definitely fun to talk to. He loved to chat, yet he was a good listener too. Since then, we hung out a lot and we got closer and closer... It's been 6 months since I knew him, yet I think it's still too short...

He was such a sweetheart. He could be calm, yet he could be crazy too. When he started to do his "stupid" dancing moves, I couldn't stop laughing. He was very entertaining and I always shouted, "Kamu gilaaaaa!!!" (meaning: You're crazyyyy!!) He asked me to dance for him many times (I used to be a traditional Javanese dancer), but I was too shy to do it. I danced for him once and he said that he really loved it. He found it sexy (that's what he told his friend). Hehehe... Then, couple of days ago, he asked me to dance again, but I refused to do so. Now I really regret it... I wish I danced for you that night... :( If only I knew...

...

Babe, now I could see the bright side of my suspension in that TV show. God wanted me to be with you more often, especially for the last 1 month. Although you're very pissed off about my suspension and convinced me to stand on my ground, I'm glad now that I was suspended. Really. Coz, then I was able to spend the weekends with you. I guess everything happens for a reason, huh? But no worries... I would listen and do as you said...

I really enjoyed the time with you, babe.. When we shopped for furnitures in Kemang, spent hours to print and frame your pictures, ate sushi at our fave restaurant, went to Bali together and you've been very patient accompanying me to go in-and-out those boutiques! (thanks so much, babe... i found it very rare that a boyfriend could patiently waiting for his gf trying clothes), watched the play (although u didn't really understand the story because it was in Bahasa Indo), watched the Wayang Kulit (fortunately it had English subtitles yah, babe? :)), etc.. etc... It was also nice only to spend the weekends watching dvds and chatting with you.... Lately we're too exhausted (or lazy?) to go out yah... unlike the first couple of months, we always went out and had dinner at different fancy restaurants in town... (am glad that you could eat a l'il bit of spicy food!)

...


Am also glad that I didn't go to the Java Jazz on Sunday night. I don't know why, but I just couldn't wait to see him that night... I bought him some children books in Bahasa. He read one of the books, but didn't manage to finish it. One of his new year's resolutions was: to be able to speak Bahasa Indonesia fluently. It was indeed a very nice, quiet and lovely night. I knew I made a good decision to go to his place that day.

It's very hard for me to believe that now Morgan isn't around anymore. Tuesday afternoon (March 7th), he still sent me sms saying that he had to go to Yogya that night. He said that he hadn't eaten anything, was running around the whole day. Later in the evening, I called him, thought that he was already in Yogya, but he said that he missed his flight. He would take a morning flight tomorrow. Then we made an appointment to meet on Thursday, March 9th. Apparently, it was the last time that we spoke... :((

Yesterday morning (Wed, March 8th), when I arrived at the office, my colleagues were all watching TV. I was like, "What's going on here?" They said that Garuda (GA 200), the 6am flight, crashed. I was shocked, "Oh my God, Morgan's on the plane!" ... But there were some confusions since his maid said that his ticket wasn't Garuda, it was Adam Air. But knowing him, I knew that he would prefer to fly with Garuda.

That day was a tough day. I couldn't think of anything. Especially when my journalist friend called up and said that Morgan was one of the victims. I wished this was just a bad dream.... Someone, wake me up please!! You can pinch me so hard, I wouldn't complain, as long as this isn't real...

So, here I am now. In Yogya. I don't know what to do, but I just wanted to be here...

...

Babe, I met your Mom and sister, Caroline today. You really looked like your Mom. I could see you in her. What I didn't expect was that I met her and Caroline in this kind of difficult situation. But they looked very strong. Your Mom kept on saying that it's fate. I guess I should think that way too as there are just so many questions running in my head. What happened? Were you fainted before you managed to get out from the plane? Oh, I should stop questioning yah, babe... it won't make any difference now... :(( it won't bring you back...

Gosh... It feels like you're still around, babe. I really miss you. I want to see you... Can I ?

...

He was very very sweet to me. He really made my days colorful. And FYI, the guy who gave me a cute little surprise in that lovely afternoon, it was him: Morgan Mellish.

Please rest in peace, babe... And say hi to God from me yaahh... Am sure He'll take a good care of you now :) And thanks for the lovely time that we spent together. It was very meaningful for me..

Lots of love, Nila.

A cute little surprise

On a lovely Saturday afternoon, I went to someone's house and I smell durian! Hmm, that's weird, knowing that the owner of the house isn't a big fan of this smelly fruit. So, I entered the house with full of curiosity, "who have bought my favorite fruit?"

Apparently, he was the one who bought it... for me! Oowwh... how sweet! I was touched, knowing that he had to bring the fruit all the way after playing golf in Sukabumi (about 2 hours drive from Jakarta) to the heart of the city. And with the strong smell of the fruit, I was pretty sure that wasn't a very pleasant trip for him... one had to breath a "non-fresh" air in an air-con car! Ooppsss...

For those who doesn't know what durian is, let me explain it to you. It's a tropical fruit with lots of spikes covering the yellow "meat" inside. It tastes sweet and creamy. This fruit has a very strong smell. Some people can't stand the smell, although they agree that it tastes really good. I think with durian, it's either you love it or you hate it. There's nothing in between :).

Having a sweet surprise on a sunny afternoon in South Jakarta have made me realized that how a small thing that you do could mean a lot to the other(s). The thought of bringing a favorite item for someone else is definitely a sweet thing. Making it happens is even nicer!

Thanks for brighten up my day, babe... :) The durian was really yummy...