On Different Perspective

On the plane that took me back from Sydney to Jakarta, I was sitting in between an Indonesian girl who studied in Australia and an Australian guy who works in Jakarta. The girl told me that her parents sent her back to Jakarta because every time they called her, she never at home. She was very upset as she really had a good time in Australia.

After a long chat with the girl, I started to chat with the Australian guy who sat on my right side. He's a political expert who works for Centre for Democratic Insitutions, named Dr. Stephen Sherlock. And apparently, he flew to Australia to attend a memorial service for Alison Sudrajat, one of the victims of the ill-fated Garuda. His ex-wife is Alison's best friend. He was also a good friend of Alison and they've known each other for 15 years. Oh dear...

We discussed lots of stuff until I told him about the cultural differences in handling grief when someone dies. I asked him, "Why do people go to a bar afterwards and drink a lot? Do people drink to get rid of the sadness? Because I think if that's the reason, it's not a good idea as after sometime (if we keep continue choosing alcohol as an instant answer to runaway from the sadness), the reality will hit even harder! That's when we realize that everything is real. And then it's not good as then we will feel down even more"

He said, "No. That's not the idea. Of course some of them maybe drink to get an instant "runaway" from the sadness, but actually, the idea of having drinks after a funeral/memorial service is to celebrate the person's life. So, it's a whole celebration of his/her life. We celebrate that the person has lived life to the fullest, that he person had done and achieved many good things when they were alive. We celebrate those good things and memories. In short, it's a celebration of life".

Wow. That makes sense. We should celebrate and be happy that the person had once lived a beautiful life!


His statement made me think that it's a totally different way of seeing death. I used to the way Indonesians dealing with loss. We cry for his/her death. We mourn as we won't see the person anymore. We grief for he/she's leaving us forever. Then we pray that God will open the heaven's door that person. We pray that he/she will live peacefully up there.

I never thought that we should party to celebrate a person's life on the day he died, or after funeral/memorial service. It really gives me different perspectives. And I LOVE the idea.
Instead of grieving (of course we could grief as we can't deny that it's such a sad moment), we should be thankful that we get a chance to know the person and witness how the person embraces life. Enjoys life. And we should celebrate that person's life. For him/her. And for us too! As it's also a reminder of how precious life is and we shouldn't waste it.

How beautiful the idea is.
It's much nicer to think of all the good memories and how nice the person's life was than grieving for his/her death and thinking that we wouldn't be able to see him/her anymore.

I'd love to think that we would see each other again. One day... :)

On Drinks and Grief

When I was in Sydney, I had so many questions in my head, in which suddenly everything was clear on the way back to Jakarta.

Being there, attending a series of Morgan's memorial services, from the day he was cremated, the memorial service, and the paddle out on Bronte Beach to scatter his ashes, I realized that the way people dealt with all these "funeral" ceremonies could be different in each country.

Am not used to go to a bar/pub and drink alcohol after attending a memorial service. Yet, in Sydney, we always went straight to a bar/pub afterwards. After the mass at the crematorium, we went to a bar to drink and had light lunch. The next day, after attending the memorial service, everyone went straight to a bar called "Slip Inn" and drank a lot until the sun went down.

Plus, on Saturday, 24 March 2007, Morgan's families and friends gathered together at Bronte Beach and paddle out to spread his ashes on the sea. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining brightly, the sky was so blue. A perfect weather to go to the beach. A perfect day to scatter his ashes. He would love that. He used to surf at Bronte a lot. When he showed me a picture of where he lived, I was so jealous and said, "Wow, you could walk to this beautiful beach! How lucky you're. Awesome!" I could tell from his face that he loved the place.

The boys paddle out with surf boards, while the girls got on a jetski that dragged us to the middle of the sea. The water was pretty cold, I had to admit :P. It was pretty scary on a jetski as well since the waves were pretty high. Anyway, it was really nice to be there in such a lovely day. We made a circle and held each other's hands. Caroline, Morgan's sister, scattered his ashes, followed by applauses from everyone. "Hip hip huurrraayy!" Then they even sang.. a cheerful song (I forgot the title, am so bad with song titles!)


It was pretty odd for me. Everybody looked so happy and cheerful. Nobody cried. It was totally different from the scene when my Dad passed away and we scattered his ashes on the sea from a boat. Everyone on the boat cried. Everyone looked very upset. Including me.

But this time, on a similar occasion, the scene before me showed the opposite. None of them cried. Besides, everyone was clapping their hands when Caroline scattered the ashes. I just didn't get it. How come everyone looked so happy? If it happens in Indonesia, I'm sure everybody would cry out loud as it's such a sad moment..


But you know what, I kinda like the Australian way of scattering ashes. There's no tears.. and it feels like a happy moment, not a sad one. I'm sure that if we were the person who died, we wouldn't like seeing our families, friends, loved ones cry, would we?

And, as you might guess, we went to a cafe afterwards, to drink, again :).

I noticed that there were lots of drinking going on here. Yup. There were. And it's part of the culture.

I imagined how Indonesians deal with such condition. Normally, after attending a funeral, we go to the person's house or the family house, and pray.. a lot... and cry. That's what we always do. So, no going to a pub for drinks. No way.
People will cry a lot. We grief and mourn because the person is leaving us and will never return. And we should feel sad about it and shouldn't go to a happening place, as it's disrespectful. We should mourn and pray.

So, you can feel how odd I felt when I was there. I don't mind going to a pub/bar/club as I love parties and I love to drink as well. But I just didn't feel right to go there straight after attending a memorial service at the church. The culture that I grew up with taught me that it's inappropriate.

I left Sydney with the amazement and questions in my head.

But then I got the answer of those questions on my way back to Jakarta. On the plane.

Do you want to know what the answer is? I'll tell you tomorrow! ;)

... (part two)...

I don't know where to start actually.
I've been postponing writing this post for weeks. I know I should do it, but then I also know for sure that when I write this post, it will bring back all the memories of him... Anyway... I will just be brief as I can't afford to write all the details... not here.. not now..

Wednesday, 21 March 2007, St. Andrew's Cathedral, Sydney

It was around 10 o'clock in the morning. Lots of people gathered in front of the church, chatting. Some of them knew each other. It was like a big reunion. They're Morgan's families, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. Around 650 people were there, attending his memorial service, honoring his life.. expressing condolences to his family.. and to me as well. I was very touched that many people came to me and said how sorry they're... some of them also said that they read my blog and thought that what I wrote about Morgan was beautiful..
Oh.. you can call me a melancholic freak (even though my psychological test's result shows that I'm a sanguin), but every word that came from them was very touching and it made my heart cry.. :(

Inside the church, there was a big screen showing Morgan's pictures. From when he was small, teenagers, his adventures with his best friends to his recent trip in Pelabuhan Ratu. It was very intense. His smile was in every picture. Fortunately Jessica (a photographer of Financial Review) showed me those pictures when I visited Fairfax a day before, otherwise I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to concentrate at the whole ceremonial service at all.

Ben Hunter, his friend, delivered an eulogy. He said that when Morgan lived at Bronte, he told Ben, "Huntsman, when the alarm goes at six, I lift myself up onto one elbow and look out the window. If the surf's up, I am straight out of bed, if it's flat, I go back to sleep".
I could imagine he did that every morning! :)

After the mass, everyone moved to the other room to hear eulogies from Morgan's friends. Simon Dale, Matthew Dale, Gary, Glenn Burge (his editor) said lots of beautiful things about him. I was the last person who said something, even though I didn't prepare anything, I just felt that I should say something. His friends should know what he had been doing in Indonesia, how he loved living in Jakarta and how he tried to get to know more about the country, the culture, as well as learned the language :). I could hardly speak as my body was trembling. It was very hard to stand there and told myself that he's really gone. It still felt like a dream for me.

One lady came to me, she was Morgan's neighbor. Her children used to play together with Morgan and his sisters. One time they went for a trip somewhere and she told the kids to play games (to keep their mouth shut): "Who can chew the chewing gum at the longest period, he/she is the winner". So, the kids were busy chewing, then after a while, the gum didn't taste good anymore, so those kids threw it away, except Morgan as he was sleeping. When they arrived at the destination, Morgan opened his eyes, then started chewing the gum - which was still inside his mouth - right away, while everybody else didn't have anything to chew! Hahaha.. that was smart! :D
He was known as a quiet boy, yet smart one :).

The lady told me that she felt like sharing this funny story about him to cheer me up. Also so that I know how cute he was :)...

Oh, isn't God so wonderful? He sent me all these beautiful people to brighten up my day(s).. to draw a smile on my face... I believe that angels are everywhere and can appear in any forms...

xxx

A month later... (part one)

Today is exactly a month after Morgan's death, yet my tears still drop each day…
It’s been a tough month for me. You don’t want to know how it feels. Awful. Painful. Extremely sad. Yet, I can’t do anything to get rid of those feelings. I even asked a psychologist when I was in Yogya, “Can you give me some practical tips to get rid of this sadness?” She said, “Am sorry dear, there’s no such tips. You have to go through this process. You’ll feel sad for a while. You’ll cry a lot, but that’s ok. It’s part of the process. After that, you’ll start accepting the reality and move on with your life”.

I’ve been wondering, it’s been a month but I still cry almost every day. Is that normal? I know that he wouldn’t like to see me cry. But I just can’t help it.. this is just too sad.. I miss him every single day.. :(

I flew to Sydney on Monday, 19 March 07 evening with a friend journo from The Age&Sydney Morning Herald, his assistant and Morgan’s assistant. We arrived there on Tuesday, 20 March 07. Went straight to the Northern Suburbs Crematorium as it was the day when Morgan’s body would be cremated.

I met his Mom, Dad and his sister Caroline again. And I finally met his older sis, Lucy with her hubby James and their children – Kathryn and Simon, Morgan’s wonderful niece and nephew, the ones that he loved dearly.

Then, there were his best friends. Oh my goodness. It was really weird to meet all his closest friends without him around. He always mentioned these people’s names, but then when I got a chance to meet them in person, he wasn’t there. It’s really sad. Babe, your best friends looked so sad. I could see it in their eyes… I believe they missed you so much too!

Here comes the hardest part. When I entered the room (it looked like a chapel), there laid his casket, covered with Australian national flag. Oh my God… tell me it isn’t real! I couldn’t believe myself to see it. It was very hard to imagine that his body was inside the casket. It was very surreal. It really hit me hard to see it. Bang!!! This is real, Nila.

Dawn, his Mom delivered a short speech, saying that Morgan once said, “Mum, I want to live as close to the edge as I can without falling off'”. “And he never fell off”, said Dawn.

His Dad (Peter), his bestfriends: Simon and Justin, and Morgan’s assistant delivered speeches as well. They said nice things about Morgan, that made me sad even more! Oh dear…

I had a 10 minute time “talking” to him, next to his casket, alone. Had to say goodbye (I hate goodbyes!). Oh… it seems like yesterday that he’s walking around, smiling, laughing out loud together watching Jackass III movie and now… he’s gone… forever… Babe, I knew you’re there, watching me from above… I felt like hugging you, really… wish I could…

(to be continued)

What God has in store for me?

It’s been almost a month since my last post in this blog. Am very sorry for not updating my blog. Not because I stop writing. Hell no! It’s just because I still feel sad and don’t know where to start.

It’s amazing to see the response from all bloggers from my post on my trip’s experience to Malaysia. Metro TV even aired a show to discuss this matter last Sunday (1 April 2007). Apart from myself, the station interviewed Wimar Witoelar, Budi Putra and Nukman Lutfie. Read the results of the discussion here

If you watch the show, you probably notice that some comments of those speakers were edited. Budi Putra posted an unedited version of the show in his blog. Also click here.


On the same day (yes, on April fool day!), my first article in The Star, Malaysia's largest circulation English daily, was published. You can read it here

It’s a strange world, if I think about what’s happening in my life for the past 2 months. My blog had made some highly officials in Malaysia felt uneasy and his statements invited lots of reactions in the blogosphere. The TV station that I worked for as a host for a travel program, suspended me. Yet, out of the blue, after reading my blog, the editor of The Star offered me to be their life contributor in Indonesia (thank you so much for this opportunity!). I shared this good news with my loved one, Morgan Morgan and he was so happy to hear that and very supportive as well. Too bad he passed away before my first article was published.. :(

What’s going on with my world?

When I had a discussion with my boss at the PR firm that I work for about what happened with my TV job, he said something like this “When something happen, you should ask yourself: is it good or bad for you?”

I guess he’s right. Because of the suspension, I spent more time with my loved one before he passed away. Because of this blog matter, I got an opportunity to be a contributor for The Star, Malaysia’s leading English newspaper!

One of my friends said, “When a door closed, other windows/doors opens”.

It is so true. And I thank God for that.

And it really feels good to know that lots of people say, “Nila, we walk with you!” in the blogosphere. Oh, thank you so much guys! Your words are very encouraging and making me strong. Really.

I don’t know what God has in store for me. But what I know is that He always gives us the best and know what are the best for us. Don’t you think?