It’s been a tough month for me. You don’t want to know how it feels. Awful. Painful. Extremely sad. Yet, I can’t do anything to get rid of those feelings. I even asked a psychologist when I was in Yogya, “Can you give me some practical tips to get rid of this sadness?” She said, “Am sorry dear, there’s no such tips. You have to go through this process. You’ll feel sad for a while. You’ll cry a lot, but that’s ok. It’s part of the process. After that, you’ll start accepting the reality and move on with your life”.
I’ve been wondering, it’s been a month but I still cry almost every day. Is that normal? I know that he wouldn’t like to see me cry. But I just can’t help it.. this is just too sad.. I miss him every single day.. :(
I flew to Sydney on Monday, 19 March 07 evening with a friend journo from The Age&Sydney Morning Herald, his assistant and Morgan’s assistant. We arrived there on Tuesday, 20 March 07. Went straight to the Northern Suburbs Crematorium as it was the day when Morgan’s body would be cremated.
I met his Mom, Dad and his sister Caroline again. And I finally met his older sis, Lucy with her hubby James and their children – Kathryn and Simon, Morgan’s wonderful niece and nephew, the ones that he loved dearly.Then, there were his best friends. Oh my goodness. It was really weird to meet all his closest friends without him around. He always mentioned these people’s names, but then when I got a chance to meet them in person, he wasn’t there. It’s really sad. Babe, your best friends looked so sad. I could see it in their eyes… I believe they missed you so much too!
Here comes the hardest part. When I entered the room (it looked like a chapel), there laid his casket, covered with Australian national flag. Oh my God… tell me it isn’t real! I couldn’t believe myself to see it. It was very hard to imagine that his body was inside the casket. It was very surreal. It really hit me hard to see it. Bang!!! This is real, Nila.
Dawn, his Mom delivered a short speech, saying that Morgan once said, “Mum, I want to live as close to the edge as I can without falling off'”. “And he never fell off”, said Dawn.
His Dad (Peter), his bestfriends: Simon and Justin, and Morgan’s assistant delivered speeches as well. They said nice things about Morgan, that made me sad even more! Oh dear…
I had a 10 minute time “talking” to him, next to his casket, alone. Had to say goodbye (I hate goodbyes!). Oh… it seems like yesterday that he’s walking around, smiling, laughing out loud together watching Jackass III movie and now… he’s gone… forever… Babe, I knew you’re there, watching me from above… I felt like hugging you, really… wish I could…
(to be continued)